Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
