Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
