my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
