Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
