If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
