You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
