My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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