Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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