At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize