there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize