you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
