how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
