I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
