There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Randomize
