Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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