I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
