I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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