I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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