"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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