He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
