i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
