dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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