I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
