"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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