just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
