He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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