Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
