Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
