sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
