I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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