tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
