The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
