the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
