I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize