i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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