my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
