The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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