i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize