i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
