Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
