well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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