I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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