i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize