I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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