You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
