Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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