i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
