Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
