I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
