The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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