I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
