Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
