Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize