I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
