Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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