I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize