I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
