when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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