I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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