I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
